r/Glasgow Tools

Hey, I’m in a kinda similar boat to you, I live with someone who’s autistic but he’s self diagnosed. We’ve started the ball rolling for a diagnosis so he can get the help he needs. His family were pretty much in denial about it and didn’t support his needs as a kid, it meant it was a pretty toxic environment for him that’s left him quite traumatised. He’s a student now and not in work, so I have to support him financially too. Before he moved in, I couldn’t have told you the first thing about autism, I had to learn pretty quick. It’s a condition that means their brain just works a bit differently to ours. Some things feel bad to him, that seems odd to me, like touching dry cardboard makes him feel like throwing up. He loves cooking, but can’t handle the feeling of touching raw meat. He can’t manage the passing of time either, so he thinks 10 minutes has passed and it’s really been 2 hours. He’s always worrying about his social behaviour being odd, so he tries to mimic other’s behaviour to fit in, which means social situations can be extra stressful at times. The way he describes it makes me think of someone visiting a foreign country and doing their best to fit in with everyone else, while not having a clue about what’s going on. I’ve found that it’s best for me to just step in and do certain things, so I’ll put the recycling out so he doesn’t have to touch cardboard. If he’s cooking, I’ll cut up the meat, if we’re in a social situation, I’ll take the lead in conversation and explain what’s happening before we go somewhere. I just do what I can to make small accommodations for him to try reduce the stress levels to help him keep going. I don’t always get it right, and we talk about it, but I care enough to keep trying. It does feel at times like I’ve become a carer to him, which I didn’t originally sign up for. It can be tiring at times, which is where having outside support helps. It’s not ‘curable’, it’s just how his brain works, but with support he can get more out of life and reduce the things around him that are stressful and make him reclusive, and help him to understand how to fit in with those around him.

Folk like us are called ‘allistic’ or ‘neurotypical’, sometimes you’ll find the autistic community can be quite snappy and defensive, I see another commenter referring to ‘red flags’ in your post because your language is showing you don’t fully understand the condition. It’s worth reading up on though. Just be careful to avoid groups like ‘autism speaks’ or one’s using the jigsaw piece as a logo. They’re pretty right wing and into eugenics to ‘eradicate’ autism. The community tend to use the infinity (sideways 8) logo more. Also the term “Asperger’s” isn’t really used much now (some people still choose to use it for themselves, that’s a personal choice and much debated within the community as Hans Asperger was a Nazi doctor who did awful experiments on autistic people). There’s things you can start doing as a family while the GP does a referral for you, as it can take a while. But try talk to your brother too, see if there’s sensory things in the home that are affecting him that could be changed. There’s good sensory toys and things that he can use to ‘stim’ (typically repetitive behaviour that can help to process a feeling or emotion, like rocking or flapping his hands), chew toys, fidget toys, things like that can give a good sensory feeling. Also if he is ‘stimming’, don’t stop him, it’s part of the process for dealing with sensations. There’s other things you could get him if he has sensitivity to noise or sunlight, there are ear plugs specifically for noise sensitivity. Smells in the home can be a problem too, so look for things like air fresheners or scented soaps or laundry detergents that could be causing him bother. He may not even fully realise himself what’s bothering him.

There are also charities and support groups you could look at for getting him support within the community. There are assisted living facilities you all could consider. Some autistic people will just never be able to work, or live independently. There are options though to give them some independence in a home of their own. You may find he just needs a few things to be changed, that brings down his stress levels enough that he’s better able to cope and engage with the family more in the home. Look at support options for you and your family too. It can be a lot to manage, being a carer for someone and I suspect your parents will be getting on a bit in age themselves. It’s good you’re wanting to help him, he may need help to advocate for himself. I’d recommend going through the process with him and making sure he’s getting everything he needs and is entitled to. Good luck!