r/Glasgow Tools

It is 100% abuse and I can relate; the lying, the gaslighting, the making it all about her and constantly your fault, walking on eggshells constantly to avoid causing any sort of rift and as a result not really feeling safe to express yourself.

Thats a horrible thing to go through, I'm so so sorry you had to experience that.

What helped me is to finally realise that I was thinking of my ex as a duality of people; this woman is one person, and you will never be able to separate those two ways she behaves. She might be able to resolve her issues, but it will take a monumental effort on her part, starting with accepting she has these horrible characteristics and behaviours, followed by a heap of therapy and, most of all, a strong strong desire to *actually* change. That last part is tricky, because it is easy for people (especially compulsive liars) to tell you they want that just so you stay.

A counsellor once asked me, "Are you in love with \[partner\] or are you in love with the idea of \[partner\] and what they can be?"The answer was obviously the latter, because anywhere from 40-70% of my time was just trying to placate them and bury my own emotions to avoid causing a rift. It meant I was almost entirely in survival mode which is a horrible, exhasting, and long-term detrimental place to be for your mental health.

In any relationship you need to love the person completely and unconditionally for who they are **now**, and not what you think they **could be**, because you have zero control over that.

You're not a wimp, and you have experienced very real trauma. You don''t just get suicidal from being 'a wimp'. If you can, I'd strongly advise you seek counselling/therapy so you can work through this difficult and confusing time. This can be available through your GP (but you might wait a while), or if you can afford it, go private. You will come out the other side with a much clearer head and as a much happier person.

If you want to talk please please feel free to PM me